Listen to your heart
by love-carby
Summary: A Jake and Abby story, later some Carter in it.. R&R Chapter 5 is up now
1. gloves dismissed

Listen to your heart

Chapter one: gloves dismissed

'What if I was willing to take an 'F' right now? I forgot to mention to you that I'm dropping out of med-school! Yeah, who wants to be a doctor anyway?' I hear him shout after me. This brings a smile to my face. It's nice to have a guy wanting you, how wrong or self-centered that may sound. But hey, I'm a girl and sometimes we need to be reminded of the fact that we're not that old and still good for dating. I walk faster, trying to get rid of Jake before I do something I might regret, because, as I told him, he's my med student. I'm his supervisor. I just would be wrong. But apparently I'm not walking fast enough, because Jake catches up with me.

'Would you just slow down already?' he asks me, with a hint of laughter in his voice. Sadly for him, I have no intentions of stopping.

'Nope, I have to get home, eat something and go to bed. I have to be back here in 10 hours and I'm exhausted'

'So, have dinner with me. It doesn't have to be long. We'll go to Chucky-Cheese or something. Eating together must be better then eating alone and I'll have you home by 10 so you can sleep. Come on Abby...' he pleads with me. I don't know if I find it amusing or not. At first I thought it was sweet, but now it feels like I have my own personal stalker.

'Look Jake,' I say, standing still for a moment, looking at him while I say this, so I can get better through to him, 'I explained it to you. You're my med student. It would be wrong and inappropriate'

'Even if we both want it? I said there may be something going on between us and you agreed with me. So what if I'm a student!'

'It's not that you're A student Jake, it's that you're MY student' I try again.

'Okay, so tomorrow I'll switch interns, so that you're no longer my supervisor. Better?'

'No Jake, it'll still feel wrong'

'How do you know? You don't know that until you've tried it. Until we've tried it. I'm not asking you to marry me Abby. You don't have to tell anybody. We can just keep it a secret. But we won't know till we've tried it. I mean, does this feel wrong?' he says, as he grabs my gloved hand in his gloved hand.

'Jake, we can't do that here! Not in front of the hospital. What if someone sees us?' I point at the crowd around Carter listening to his press-conference.

'Yeah, you're right, come on' he says, as he grabs my arms gently and pulls me into an alley.

I look at him suspicious. 'Jake, what is this?'

'Nothing, I'm just trying to convince you to go out with me' he says this as if it is the most normal thing to say. I'm always very careful with what I say and who I expose myself to, but he has no trouble in letting me know he likes me. I kind of like that about him, that openness, but it also scares me. I don't know if I can be with someone who's different from me on so many levels. He's open, he always kind and he's a med student. That last thought just keeps coming back to me. I'm torn between the feelings I think I have for this guy I barely know, and between the voice in my head that keeps telling me this is wrong. I'm pulled out of my thoughts when he speaks again. 'So, what do you say? Still no?'

'Uhmm, yeah. I'm sorry Jake, really. But I just can't do it. This isn't me. It feels wrong' I've said that so many times in one conversation tonight it is starting to sound stupid. I then feel him take my right arm and pulling my glove off. I immediately feel the cold of the Chicago winter on my hand as my fingers begin to freeze. I then see him take off his left glove and throw both of the gloves on the ground. He then takes my cold, ungloved hand in his ungloved hand and looks me in the eyes.

'Does this feel wrong Abby?' he says. I don't know what to say. I'm kind of overwhelmed by his actions and I can't speak. But it doesn't feel wrong, it actually feels nice, and I don't think it's just because his hand radiates some warmth into my cold hand. I look at him. 'Does this feel wrong to you?' he asks again. All I can do is shake my head. He then puts his right hand on my hip, while looking at me all the time.

'And this Abby, does this feel wrong?' he asks in a very soft voice, almost whispering. Again all I can do is shake my head. I don't really know what's going on here. I think I'm paralyzed, because no matter what I do, I can't move my arms or legs and I can't speak. Words just won't come out of my mouth. Our gazes are still locked. I see a little sparkle in his eyes and then I suddenly see him leaning closer. Very, very slowly, like it's happening in slow-motion. I really don't know if I want this. Then he speaks. 'Tell me if you want me to stop Abby' he says. I swallow hard as I see him come closer and closer. 'Abby, do you want me to stop?' he asks? I try speaking this time and I manage to get a very soft 'No' out of my mouth. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. I don't want him to stop. He leans in closer and closer and it's like suddenly I can move again. I feel myself leaning into him and our lips meet. It's a very soft kiss, mouths closed, just lips lightly touching, but it feels great. I feel his arm sneak around my back and pulling me to him. I let his hand go and put my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. I feel like a school kid, secretly making out where no one can see you. Eventually we pull away from each other. You have to breathe sometime right? I look at him and he is smiling triumphantly at me.

'What?' I ask, although I think I know the answer.

'Now, that didn't feel wrong, did it?' he asks me, although he also knows my answer.

'No, it didn't' I say. 'But there's something I don't like about all this'

He looks disappointed, but tries to hide it quickly. 'And what would that be?'

'My hand is freezing' I say, as I point to the gloves on the ground and then show him my red, frozen hand. And then we both laugh.

A/N: Like it? Hate it? Should I continue? Let me know!


	2. awkward on ice

A/N: Hey everybody. I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to update, especially after all your wonderful reviews, but I got some bad news about a friend and I just couldn't focus. But I'm back. I'm still not sure where I'm going with this story.. Abby/Jake Abby/Carter, it can all happen.. for now it's Abby/Jake. But I've decided I just want Abby to be happy, so it can all change.. I hope for now that you like this chapter. I wrote it in a hurry, because I felt really bad for not posting all this time. I'm working on the next chapter already, so it'll probably be up sometime this week. Let me know what you think. I need reviews to continue!

Listen to your heart

Chapter two: Awkward on ice

'Ouch!' I say, as I fall once again. It's all I've been doing for the past 30 minutes. Why did I agree to go ice-skating again?

'Give me your hand, I'll help you up' I hear a voice say. Owh yeah, that's why: Jake persuaded me. I knew that it was a stupid idea but I agreed non the less. Now, about twenty falls later, I wonder why. I extend my hand and he pulls me up. I look at his smiling face and smile back at him, just a little bit embarrassed. How come he hasn't fallen since we've been here? It's not fair.

'Come on, keep trying. I'm sure you like it when you… don't fall down all the time' he says.

'I doubt it' I mumble, but he hears me anyway.

'Owh now, come on! It's really fun. Here, give me your hand and I'll hold you up' I look at him and raise my eyebrows. He just laughs. 'If you want I can get a chair for you to hold you up, like those kids over there' he says mockingly, pointing to a couple of toddlers a few meters away. 'Just what you prefer' he adds with a wink. I give him a 'don't-mock-me' look, but I can't keep it up for long and smile at him. 'Fine' I say, and he grabs my hand. Together we skate and it's going pretty well. Mainly because he's holding me up, otherwise I'm sure I would've fallen already. I don't know what it is with us and hands. It's how this whole thing between us started and right now it's the only thing keeping me up. Kind of symbolic, don't you think?

'Okay, ready to try it on your own again?' he asks me, making me feel a little stupid. I'm a grown up woman. I should be able to skate by myself. However, I don't think it's gonna happen today. But I don't want to disappoint him, so I take a deep breath and nod.

'Sure, why not?' I say. I can feel him let go of my hand and prepare myself for the worst. But, hey! This is actually going quite well. I'm skating, not falling! Well, that's a first today. I look at Jake next to me; he's smiling. I know that it's probably very stupid, but seeing him smile like that, makes me want to smile too. The time I've spent with him the last three weeks have been great. It's not very serious between us, but we have fun. I haven't felt this happy in a long time and I can tell he likes it too. I have a very good feeling about this and-

'Ouch!' I say again. This time however, it's not from falling, but from bumping into someone. While I was looking at Jake, I didn't really pay much attention to where I was going, this resulting in me bumping into a guy in front of me who, from what I can see, is teaching his son how to ice-skate. While he's at it, maybe he can teach me it too. Or not, I think, as the guy turns around and I see who it is- Richard. Great, just what I need.

'Abby! Always nice bumping into you' he says to me. Now, given the situation, if it were anybody else, I'd laugh at that. But since this is Richard, I don't find it that amusing.

'Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn't really paying attention'

'No, I can see that' he replies. Great, just great.

Meanwhile, Jake has gathered himself by my side again, putting a hand on my lower back. 'Hey Abby, you okay?' he asks, giving me a concerned look.

'Yeah, I'm fine' I say.

'Okay good' he says. Now that he's sure I'm all right, he looks at Richard who, still standing there with his son, is in his turn looking at Jake and me. I'm sure Jake heard me and Richard talk and Richard calling me 'Abby' so I guess he figured out we know each other, which would make it inappropriate for me not to introduce them to each other. I don't really want to, but I feel like I don't have much choice here.

'Jake, this is Richard. Richard Jake' I say, and they shake hands.

'Nice to meet you' Jake says, having no idea who this is and having no idea that there's nothing nice about him. Richard just nods back at him. There's an awkward silence which is fortunately broken by Richard's son, calling for his 'dada'. Richard picks him up and looks at me. I smile at the kid and don't really know what else there is to say. My mind is racing for a way out of this situation, but before I can think of anything, Richard speaks first.

'So Abby, how are you. I see you have a new boyfriend again' Yup, leave it up to him to embarrass me. 'What happened to that rich kid, John something?'

'Nothing' I say, in a sharp tone, looking angrily at him. 'And it's none of your business anyway Richard' I add. I haven't told Jake about my history with Carter, and I wasn't planning on it for him to hear it this way. I just hope he doesn't figure out right now that 'John' is actually 'John Carter'

'Okay okay, no reason to get all defensive about it. I was just showing interest in your life' he says with an innocent look on his face. Yeah right. Like he really cares what's going on in my life. He's just doing this to make me feel foolish, uncomfortable and embarrassed.

'That's great Richard. Just four years too late. Maybe if you'd shown interest in me instead of all those hookers when we were married, it would've made a difference, but not now. So, if you'll excuse me, we have to go' I say angrily, before skating away. I'm silently thanking God that I don't fall flat on my face. I hear Jake mumble a goodbye to Richard and then skate after me. I hear Richard call something along the lines of 'good luck with her Jake' after us, which is enough for me to spin around angrily. Apparently, I'm a very good skater when I'm angry. I see Richard turning around and Jake reaches me with a concerned look on his face and stops next to me.

'Abby, are you okay?' he asks me, a little uncertain. I really feel bad for him right now. He didn't know that I've been married and running into the ex-husband and finding out that way is never good, especially when that ex-husband is Richard.

'I don't feel like skating anymore' is all I say. I don't know what else to say. I'm not really okay, but I don't want to put all my troubles on him already. We're not so serious that he needs to know all my baggage and history. It's not like I was hiding it from him, I just didn't tell him because I didn't think he needed to know already. I don't know that kind of stuff about him either. For all I know he could've been married three times already. We were just having fun, but I guess, now that's all going to change. I have to tell him and he's either going to run away or know so much about me, that we have to get serious. Either way, spending time together and just having fun is definitely over.

'Okay' he says. 'Let's get those skates off and get some hot coco okay?'

I nod at him and smile a bit. He grabs my hand and leads me to the side. We take our skates off and return them at the counter where we rented them and we then head for the cafeteria.

'Just sit there, I'll get the drinks' he says to me, and then turns around and leaves me alone with my thoughts for a minute. I like it, because it gives me time to think about the whole situation. After Jake and I kissed and he'd dropped me off at me place that night, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't screw this up over my problems. I wouldn't let the same thing that drove Carter away from me let drive Jake away. And here I am, in the same situation all over again. Jake and I were just having fun. We've become great friends over the last couple of weeks. Friends that like each other and make out occasionally, but to be honest, that's it. I don't know if I'd call him my boyfriend. I think he probably is my boyfriend, but if I had to introduce him to someone, I don't know if I'd say 'this is my boyfriend, Jake'. He'd probably call me his girlfriend though. He's been really sweet towards me. We've had dinner together a lot of times and we've watched movies at my place, but we've never gone any further than kissing. We've cuddled together on the couch while watching a movie, but he's never spent the night. I'm not saying that I don't want him to, but it just hasn't happened. For now I'm very content with the way it's going. It feels safe. But I guess that's all coming to an end now.

Before my thought can go any further I see Jake approaching our table, but his hands are empty. 'You can't believe the line that is standing there. I thought we'd make some ourselves at your place or mine, if that's all right with you' he says. I've never been to his place. I'm actually quite curious to what it's like, but I don't feel like going over there today.

'Sure it's fine. We can go to my place' I say and I stand up. He reaches for my hand and I let him, but my thoughts are elsewhere. I think he knows it, but he's kind enough not to mention anything. We walk in silence to his car and then get in. While he drives to my place I just stare out of the window. I can feel him looking at me a couple of times, but I don't react. Eventually he turns the radio on and the rest of the drive we don't speak. I know he's not mad or anything, he's just giving me time to think, which I'm very grateful for. I'm thinking about what to tell him when we get to my place. I can't freeze him out forever, but I don't want to tell him all the horrors of my life. He'll probably run away as fast as he can. I gave Carter that advice once and he was gone in no-time. I don't want to loose Jake, as a friend or something more I don't know, but I just don't want to loose what we have. I suddenly feel the car stop and realize that we're at my house. I look at Jake, who in his turn is looking at me.

'Abby, are you okay?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go inside' I say, but before I can get out of the car, he puts a hand on my leg and stops me.

'Are you sure? I mean, I can go home and we can talk tomorrow or something' I look at him, contemplating this. I really don't feel like talking right now, but I feel sorry for him. This whole skating thing was his idea and now it's all messed up.

'Are you sure?' I ask softly. 'I mean, if you don't mind... I'm kind of tired and-'

'Really Abby, it's fine. I'm not offended or something. I can see you need some time for yourself, but if you want to talk to someone, you can call me anytime, okay?' I mouth a silent 'thank you' to him and then reach over and kiss his cheek. He smiles at me and gives my leg one last squeeze before I step out of the car and walk towards my door. I open it and wave at Jake, who turns out of the parking place and drives away. I walk inside and close the door, leaning against it and I let out a deep sigh. I feel really crappy now. I was looking forward to spending some time with Jake, but instead of that, I'm alone and have a lot to think about. I walk up the stairs to my place, thinking how this is going to be a long evening and probably an even longer night.


	3. happy smiles

A/N: And.. enter Carter! But don't worry, it's still a Jaby story.. for now at least.. Enjoy and review please!

Listen to your heart

Chapter three: Happy smiles 

I rush into the hospital with a cup of coffee in my hand. I'm about 15 minutes late so I hope Weaver isn't on a warpath. I step into the ER and I don't see Weaver anywhere, so I quickly sneak into the lounge.

'Hey' I hear a voice behind me as I close the door quickly. I turn around.

'Hey Carter'

'Who are you running away from?' he asks me.

'Who do you think" I answer with a smile on my face.

'I'm guessing Weaver'

'Yes Carter, what is it?' asks Weaver, who just walks into the lounge and hears her name.

'Nothing' he says quickly. 'I gotta get back to work'

'Yeah, me too' I say, as I quickly discharge my coffee in the trash and follow Carter, avoiding the questioning look Weaver gives me.

'That was close' I say laughing, before we say our goodbyes and both go our separate ways, ready to treat patients.

It's about five hours later and it's been the shift from hell. I've been puked on, spit on and some kid thought the little hoops in my ear were some sort of toy, which is why I'm in drug lock up icing my ear when I hear a voice behind me.

'Hey, what are you doing?'

I turn around and see Jake. I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left last night. I haven't been avoiding him, it was just a fortunate side effect of my busy day. But now that I see him, I'm glad. I actually missed him and I want to talk to him. I want to tell him everything so there are no secrets from my side and then let him decide what he wants to do. I just want to be happy and not be in another relationship with so much baggage.

'Hey. I was just icing my ear. The kid in curtain one pulled on my earring' I say, making a pouting face.

'Ouch' he responds.

I look at him smiling. 'How do you know? You don't have any piercings'

'That you know of…' he says, winking at me.

'Really…' I ask in a surprised voice.

He just looks at me, daring me to ask further. I don't know if I really want to know the answer to that question so I change the subject.

'Anyway, I was hoping you'd be free for dinner tonight'

'Yeah I am' he replies happily. 'I wanted to ask you, but I wasn't sure you'd be up for it'

'Well, I am. I was hoping we could talk'

'I'm looking forward to it. You want me to bring something? Pizza, wine or-'

'Ehm, excuse me, but don't you two have patients to treat?' I hear Susan's voice. 'We're getting slammed out there and you're standing here doing.. What are you doing here by the way?'

'I'm icing my ear' I reply, showing Susan the ice cube in my hand.

'I was just asking dr. Lockhart something about a patient' Jake stammers.

'Dr. Lockhart huh? Well, do you guys think you can make it quick, we really are busy today'

'Yeah sure, I'm done' I say, throwing the ice cube away. 'I'll walk with you to see that patient now'

'Okay thanks' Jake says, a little uneasy.

'See you later Susan' I say, as Jake and I walk away, trying not to smile to obviously as I see the look of confusion on Susan's face. I think she knows something's up. I'm afraid I'll get a third degree later, as soon as she can corner me. Well, I'll just have to avoid her for the rest of my shift, which means the next seven hours. When we reach the admit desk I grab a new chart and turn to Jake.

'My place at eight' I say quietly, and then walk away, smiling to myself. I have a feeling this is all going to be okay. If I survive this shift, that is.

About six discharged patients and two traumas later I decide that I deserve a break. I'm about to walk into the lounge when I see Susan doing charts on the table. I really don't feel like getting that third degree now, so I turn around and head to the one place I know that is almost always quiet; the roof. Only once I'm up there, I see that I'm not alone. Carter is leaning on the railing, looking out over the city. As soon as I feel the ice cold wind I regret not bringing a coat with me. I want to turn around and go back downstairs when Carter notices my presence. Since it would be rude to walk away now, I smile at him and walk towards him.

'Hi again'

'Hey. Aren't you freezing? Why didn't you bring a coat?'

'I… forgot'

As I say this I know it makes no sense at all. Carter looks at me funny.

'You forgot?'

'Yeah, it was getting crazy downstairs and I really wanted to get out of there'

'Owh, got ya. Here…' he says, and he takes his coat off and holds it out for me to take.

'John, I'm not taking your coat. It's my own fault'

'True' he says smiling 'But still, you can never leave a lady in the cold without a coat'

I smile at him and knowing he won't stop until I take his coat, I reach for it and put it on, immediately feeling the warmth surrounding me. It smells like him, exactly as I remember.

'Thanks'

'You're welcome'

Now that I look a little closer I notice he's not looking very happy. We're still friends and still able to read each other pretty well. I try to make eye contact with him, but he avoids my gaze.

'So, what brings you up here?' I ask, trying to get him to talk to me.

'Nothing really, just thinking'

'Really? Good thoughts I hope' I say, hoping to get a reaction from him.

'No not really' he sighs.

'Want to talk about it?' I ask, knowing he'll probably say no.

'Not really' he answers. See, I told you I could read him.

Just as I'm about to ask further my pager goes off. I look at it and see it's a text message from Jake, which brings a smile to my face. I look up at Carter, knowing by the look on his face that he's seen me smile. He looks at me questioningly, but before he can ask about it, I take off his coat and give it back to him, implying that I'm leaving.

'I'm sorry John, it's the ER. I've got to go'

He takes his coat and nods.

'Call me if you need to talk or anything'

'I will, thanks Abby'

'Sure' I say and I head for the door when I hear him speak again.

'Hey Abby'

I turn to him, waiting for him to go on.

'You look happy'

I smile at that, thinking about it for a second.

'Yeah, I think I am' and I walk through the door with a big smile on my face.

A/N: Happy Abby is always good. Leave a review and make me happy!


	4. to tell or not to tell

A/N: Thnak you for all the reviews! I'm glad you're all still enjoying the story. I want to react to the review from **Carter+AbbyCarby**: I'm a huge Carby-fan myself (check my name) but I'm also a huge Abby-fan. I was really mad at Carter for breaking up with her and I just want Abby to be happy now. I think that for now Jake makes her happy, so that's why I'm writing this. At first I didn't want to write a Jabby story but I wanted to read one. But since no one had written one, I had to do it myself. So I think that for now I'm keeping this story Jabby, but I'm still a Carby-fan and I always will be! So, now that's all cleared up, enjoy this chapter. It's not very long, but I'm working on the next chapter already, so… Let me know what you think a.k.a. Leave me a review!

Listen to your heart

Chapter four: To tell or not to tell 

I walk back into the ER looking for Jake. I feel a little bad for leaving Carter behind like that, but I really want to find Jake after that message.

'Frank, have you seen Jake anywhere?'

'Check the board' he grumbles back.

I sigh looking for his name on the board when I hear Susan's voice behind me.

'Why are you looking for Jake?' she asks.

'Ehm.. he paged me so I have to find out why' I say, not looking Susan in the eye.

'You two seem to be working on a lot of the same patients these days. Even though he's on his surgical rotation..'

'Yeah, I can't help it' I say, immediately defending myself. That came out a little harsh, judging by the look on Susan's face.

'Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that'

'No it's okay. I didn't mean to offend you or something. I'm sure if there was something going on with you two you'd tell me. So, I'm sorry'

Okay, now I feel guilty. Maybe I should've told her about the potential of me and Jake. She's my best friends after all.

'No, it's okay, really. But actually, there's something I want to talk to you about, but not right now. What are you doing for dinner tomorrow night?'

'Nothing'

'Girls night in at my place? I'll order pizza, you bring the movies?'

'Sounds great'

'Good, I-' but then my pager beeps again.

'I have to go now, Jake again. He must be in real trouble or something..' I say, knowing that's not true.

'I saw him heading towards exam two earlier. Check there' Susan says.

'Thank Suz. I'll talk to you later' I say over my shoulder as I head towards exam two.

I open the door and see only one closed curtain. Convinced I have the wrong room I turn around when I hear my name.

'Abby?'

'Jake?' I asked surprised. 'Where are you?'

He opens the curtain a little bit and signals me to come closer. I step into the curtain and he closes it again.

'Jake, what is this?' I ask as I sit down on the bed.

'Nothing. I just wanted to see you' he says, as he sits next to me.

'Well, here I am... What do we do now?' I ask, although I have a pretty good feeling what he wants to do. Only I'm not sure that it's really a good idea.

'How about this?' he asks me, as he leans in and kisses my neck softly. I laugh at this. This is so not me. Well, who am I kidding? This is me; it's just not the best side of me. I know that if we get caught we are in some serious trouble. Not only for making out while we're supposed to be working, but mainly because I'm a doctor and Jake is a student.

'Jake, I really don't think this is such a good idea' I say, but subconsciously I close my eyes and lean my head back, giving him better access.

'Really, you think that?' he says smiling, mocking my actions.

'Yeah, I really-' but then he kisses me on the lips, not letting me finish that sentence. I can't help but reciprocate. All rational thought is gone as soon as his lips touch mine. My arms sneak around his neck and his hands are on my waist, softly pushing me down on the bed so that he now is on top of me, his lips never leaving mine. This feels really good. If we weren't at work right now I'm sure we could take this further, but as I feel him deepen the kiss, I remember where we are and that we really can't do this here. It's not that I don't want to, because, believe me, I want to, but the chance of getting caught is just too big. I untangle my arms from around his neck, placing me hands on his chest before softly pushing him away.

'Jake'

'Hmm' he says, as he leans down again, capturing my lips with his.

'Jake' I say, pushing him away a little harder this time, waiting for him to open his eyes to make eye-contact.

'We can't do this' I say

He looks me in the eyes and then nods.

'You're right' he says, and he climbs of me. 'I'm sorry'

'No it's okay, I know how you feel' I say winking at him.

'Good, so we're still on for tonight?' he asks me, while I redo my hair, trying to make myself presentable again.

'Owh yeah' I say smiling. 'Definitely'

'See you then' he says, giving me a quick kiss before he turns around and leaves the exam room.

I wait for a minute or so before I open the curtain and step out of the room myself, almost bumping into Susan.

'So, what did he need you for?' she asks me, while raising her eyebrows as in telling me that she already knows.

I'm sure my head is as red as a tomato right now. I really don't know how to explain this to her. I can't think of an excuse. It's obvious that there's no patient in there, so she knows we were in there alone. I open my mouth to speak but Susan beats me to it.

'Abby, I don't know what's going on with you or with you and him for that matter, but I really think you should be careful with what you're doing, especially in the hospital. And I really think that if you guys are going out you should've told me about it…' and then she turns around and leaves me standing here, feeling incredibly guilty. I really don't want her to be mad at me or feel as if I don't trust her with anything.

'Susan wait!' I shout after her as I run to catch up with her. Susan eventually stops, looking at me.

'Abby, you know I just want you to be happy right?'

'Yeah, I do' I answer staring at my feet.

'So, we'll talk tomorrow night?'

I look up at her, surprised to find her smiling. I thought she'd be mad, but apparently she only finds it amusing.

'Yeah, tomorrow night it is' I say with a relieved smile, as I turn around to find some patients to treat. I really need to get back to work.

'Owh, and Abby, I want details' I hear Susan shout after me. I smile at that, not looking back, just lifting my arm and waving at her. 'Yeah right… freak!' I chuckle to myself as I pick up a chart and finally get back to work.


	5. getting to know me

A/N: Well, here's chapter five. This one is pretty long so I really hope that you like it. Leave me a review and let me know… I like reviews; they make my day!

Listen to your heart

Chapter five: Getting to know me 

It's seven o'clock when I finally walk out of the ER, eager to get home. I want to shower before Jake comes over because I don't think he finds me very attractive when I smell like vomit. As I reach the El platform I see my train waiting, so I hurry to find a seat. I sit for a good 2 seconds before it moves. I lean back, closing my eyes for a second. It's been a long day and I'm looking forward to Jake coming over. I made the conscious decision that I want to be happy, just the way I am. So I'm going to tell Jake everything there is about me and then he can either run away or take me as I am. I don't want any baggage in this relationship and I'm going to tell him that. I just have to figure out how.

I'm shaken out of my reverie as the train stops suddenly. I look out the window and see that it's my stop already. Trains always go faster when you're not paying attention. I grab my bag and step out of the train, feeling a cold breeze blowing through my hair. It's supposed to drop below zero again tonight. I hate the winter and I just can't wait for it to be summer again. I pull my scarf up over my nose and walk the rest of the way quickly.

I open the door with my frozen fingers. I make a mental note to never forget my gloves ever again. I walk directly into the bedroom, dumping my bag on the chair in the room and then I take my coat of and throw it on top of the bag. I really want to get into a hot shower right now. I'll put those away properly when I'm done. I discharge all my clothes in the way to the bathroom and I'm ready to jump into the shower when I here my cell phone ring. I sigh and put on a bathrobe and quickly walk back into my bedroom. I put my coat aside and dig into my bag, of course finding my cell on the bottom of it. It brings a smile to face when I see it's Jake who's calling.

'Hey' I answer cheery

'Hey Abby, are you home yet?'

'Yeah, I was just getting in the shower'

'Owh, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm going to be a little later. Dubenko wants to talk to me and I couldn't get out of it'

'Owh doesn't matter. Now I can take an extra long shower' I say, although feeling a little bit disappointed.

'I'll bring Chinese to make it up to you okay?' he says.

'Yeah, that would be great Jake' I say, smiling a little bit. I can tell he feels bad for running late.

'Okay great, see you around 9 then'

'Yeah see you, bye' I say, clicking my phone shut. Throwing it on my bed I make my way into the bathroom again and I finally step in the shower, letting the warm water run over my body. This feels so good. I take a deep breath before stepping under the water completely.

About fifteen minutes later I feel totally fresh and clean again, so I turn the shower off and get out from under it. I dry myself of and walk into my closet looking for something to wear. At first I want to dress up a little bit, but then I realize we're just going to be hanging out here and that we're going to have a long talk tonight, so that I might as well wear something I feel comfortable in. And it's not as if he hasn't seen me in my house clothes before while he was over here watching a movie. So I decide to go with my black pajama bottoms and a grey oversized North Western sweater I'd once borrowed from Carter and never given back, so I consider it mine now.

I walk into the living room cleaning up little bit before Jake gets here. I check the clock and see that it's only eight o'clock. I have one more hour to kill. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Now I have the time to prepare what I'm going to say. I make some tea for myself and crash down on the couch, feeling how tired my legs really are. I lean my head back closing my eyes for a second, gathering my thoughts.

I'm startled when I hear a knock on the door. I look at the clock seeing it's already past nine. I guess I fell asleep. When I hear the knocking getting louder, I quickly get up and walk towards the door. I stop as I pass a mirror, fixing my hair a little bit.

'Abby, are you there?'

'Yeah, I'm coming' I say, finally opening the door.

'Didn't you hear me knocking? I've been banging on your door for two minutes'

'Yeah sorry, I… fell asleep' I say a little embarrassed. 'I guess I was more tired then I thought'

'Do you want me to come another time?'

'Owh no, I didn't mean that. I'm up now, I'm good! Please come in!' I say, urging him in, really don't wanting him to leave.

'Okay okay, I'm in!' he laughs, and I realize I'm still tugging on his arm.

'Sorry about that' I say giddy. I think I'm a little nervous. Owh my God, I think to myself. If this is any indication of how tonight is gonna go, it's going to be a long night. It's then that I see the big bag Jake is carrying.

'How much food did you bring?' I mock him.

'Better to be safe then sorry' he says, putting the bag in the kitchen and taking of his coat.

'So, where are we eating?' he asks.

'Living room' I say, as I take the bag and put it on the table. I see in an instant that he has bought way too much. Two people could probably eat from this for a week or so. Jake sees the look on my face as he walks into the room with two wineglasses in his hand.

'I didn't know what you were in the mood for, so I bought a lot of different things'

'Yeah, I can see that' I say smiling.

Jake blushes. It's adorable really.

'It's great Jake. It looks delicious' I say.

'Well I hope so. It sure cost me enough' he responds, winking.

I'm glad the mood is light between us. It makes it easier to talk about things. I decide that I better get it over with. So as soon as we sit and both have chosen what we're going to eat first I begin, noticing I'm a little more nervous then I thought I would be.

'Jake, remember when I said I hoped we could talk tonight?'

'Yeah, I do. I was glad you said that, because there are some things I'd like to say too'

'Okay, well, it's not very easy for me, so is it okay if I go first?'

'Yeah sure, let me just get something to drink okay?'

I nod nervously. This is so stupid. I shouldn't be nervous. Jake stands up and is back a few seconds later with a bottle of wine in his hands. He sits back down, smiles at me and pours two glasses of red wine, handing me one.

'Okay, go ahead' he says smiling.

'Okay' I say, taking a deep breath. Just say it already! 'I want to tell you everything there is to know about me' I flap out.

Jake looks at me flabbergasted. Okay, I think I just scared him.

'Let me explain' I say quickly. Jake nods.

'I've been in a few relationships which, obviously, didn't work out. In some cases it was the lack of love, in another there was maybe too much love, if that's possible, but even more baggage. I don't want something like that to happen again. I couldn't be myself in those relationships and I don't want that to happen again. It takes too much energy from me to go through that again. So,' I say, looking at him, 'I want to tell you everything important there is to know about me and then let you decide what you want to do. I won't blame you if you walk away, I promise. I just want you to know what you can expect from me'

I look at Jake who sits there, staring at me. I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I did the right thing, but then Jake reaches over the table and grabs my hand.

'I'm really happy to hear that Abby. I want to get to know you and I promise, I won't run away'

'Thanks' I whisper, touched by his words.

'So' Jake says, leaving room for me to continue, or start, really.

'Okay, I don't really know where to begin, so I guess I'll start with this' I say, pointing at the wine.

'You don't like red wine?' he asks while raising his eyebrow.

'No' I say. 'I can't drink it. I'm in AA'

'Really?' Jake asks. I guess he didn't expect that. I nod.

'I've been sober for almost two years now, but before that it was six years. I had a small relapse about three years ago'

'Why did you become an alcoholic?' Jake asks

'Well, for a number of reasons I think. I mean, it doesn't happen over night. Do you remember the guy from yesterday, Richard?'

Jake nods, while taking a bite of his egg roll.

'That's my ex-husband. We we're married for a couple of years, but it didn't really work out. There was no love. I mean, there was in the beginning, but then we started fighting and he couldn't take me anymore and I couldn't take him anymore. I think that the main reason all our trouble started was because of my mother' I look away now. Maggie is not something I like to talk about much, though she is doing okay now.

'Your mother?' Jake asks.

'Yeah, Maggie. She's bipolar and most of the time she didn't want to take her meds, so I had to drop everything and go over to her and help her. A few years ago I found out my brother has it also. They're both good now. They live together in Minnesota and they're both on there meds, but it wasn't always like that. Because I was away a lot caring for Maggie Richard and I grew apart. I couldn't take it anymore and started drinking. I also had an abortion while I was with him. I never told him I was pregnant. By that time I had decided we would never last and I didn't want to raise a child with him, and I was afraid of raising a child alone that had the possibility of being bipolar. But, as I said, I never told him. For me however it was sort of the last drop. It made me take a pretty hard look at my life and I decided I didn't want to live like this anymore' I look at Jake, who sits across from me, taking all the information in.

'So, I guess he was one of the relationships that went wrong because the lack of love…' he says, kind of going around the details. I think he thinks I don't want to talk about it too much just yet.

I nod.

'What about the one with too much love and too much baggage…'

'Well, when I came to County about 5 years ago, I went out with Luka'

'Kovac?'

'The one and only. I didn't really love him and he didn't love me. It was more for safety. We were both lonely and it's better to cope with loneliness when you're together'

'That is one weird statement,' Jake laughs. 'but true, I guess'

'Yeah well, we didn't communicate, so if I wanted to talk I went to Carter and when he needed to talk he came to me. We became very close friends and slowly we became more then friends. We really understood each other and we could communicate without words. Luka noticed it too and when we broke up he told me that Carter could have me. It took us about a year after that to get together'

'What happened?'

'A lot of things. It was great in the beginning but then my brother was diagnosed with the same disease as my mom and that's when everything became complicated. But it really went wrong when Carters grandmother died and I had to tend to my brother who needed me at the same time. I tried to be there for Carter but I also had to be there for my brother who had disappeared for a while and finally called me that he was alive. I went to Carter later but when my brother fell into the grave of his grandmother, I think that really was the end. That was about all he could take from me and my crazy family and I can't say I blame him'

'You can't?'

'No, I understand it. He almost proposed to me. Well, he actually proposed to me on the roof of the hospital shouting it over a helicopter, but when we went to dinner the next evening he had a ring but he didn't propose. I was hurt at first but I guess it was the right decision. We wouldn't have lasted' I sigh. 'Which is why I'm telling you all this. Now you know a lot about my crazy history and it's up to you whether you stay or run. I told Carter to run and he did, I won't blame you if you do the same'

Jake smiles at me.

'I don't really know him, but I think that Carter is one big idiot'

'You think?' I ask, smiling a relieved smile.

'No, I know actually' Jake says, standing up. He reaches his hand out for me and I take it. He pulls me up and here we stand in my living room, amidst a lot of Chinese food, my hands in his, and it feels great.

'Abby' he says, trying to make eye-contact with me. I look into his eyes and see a little sparkle.

'Thank you for telling me all this' he says. 'And I promise you, I won't run away'

I smile at that. I really feel happy now.

'Thank you, I'm glad' I say, and I lean up and kiss him. He pulls me closer to him and soon deepens the kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck and as he lifts me up I wrap my legs around his waist. I feel his hands on my lower back and in my hair. This feels so great. I pull away for a second, looking him in the eyes.

'You know, we could go to my bedroom' I say.

'Do you want to?' he asks me.

'I want to if you want to' I say smiling. And before I know it he carries me to my bedroom and as I pull the door shut behind us, I realize this is the happiest I've been in a long time.

A/N: I didn't want to make the conversation too sentimental. I hope it was alright this way..


End file.
